Soul trader

Running your own business (River Greta Writer) opens up a whole new world, the joys of the Inland Revenue and tax returns, receiving compliments from your accountant about the exemplary condition of your book keeping (surely shome mishtake) and the need to be diplomatic, understanding, ever smiling and agreeable in the face of financial and social adversity. I, of course, aspire to all of these . . . and will keep trying, I really will. That’s a promise for 2009.

As a sole trader – perhaps, as a writer, that should read ‘soul trader’ – I am, of course, self-employed and as a one man band (opposed to my previous life as a magazine editor) and an orphan in the storm I no longer have any staff / family with which to share the essential pleasures of Christmas – such as the holly and the ivy (when they are both full grown) the Christmas pud, Wallace and Gromit on the box and, more pertinently in this context . . . the office party, drunken flings and close encounters with the photocopier . Bum-bum! As if.

Instead I have become a fully paid up member of an event of which you will have heard very little, namely ‘The Billy No Mates Christmas Bash’.  You will know nothing because the event has only just been launched under that intriguing title. Next year we may have T-shirts.

The BNMCB is the brain child of one Gary Stevens, Threlkeld Cricket Club grounds man and full-time, sole trader mechanic (punctures and grinding a speciality) who operates from a garage near the old railway station at Threlkeld, only a stone’s throw from Geordie Hutton’s Setmabanning farm (see Ivver Sen Chapter 9, ‘Theer deext at . . . ’) where I once had a very close encounter with two Limousin bulls.

Any roads, Gary invited me along to the 2008 do. A gaggle of about 10 of us converged on The Horse and Farrier (see Ivver Sen Chapter 3 ‘Amang Sheep’) at about 1pm on Friday, December 19, for Christmas lunch.

The Friday before Christmas is, of course, known as ‘Black Eye Friday’ because of the unfortunate tendency that drunken young men (and some not so young) have of biffing each other when they get too much drink and when feelings range from emotional OTT expressions of arms-around-each-others-shoulders affection for best mates (“Ah luv you, ah really do”) to bouts of fisticuffs brought on by irrational jealousy (“are you lookin’ at my bird?”) or just good old-fashioned hatred against enemies, real or imagined. Then there are the other Christmas party males of the species, I guess I fall into this category, who get dafter the more they drink.

To counter all the potential for trouble, the police have tried to take the sting out of  ‘Black Eye Friday’ by calling it “Friendly Friday,” or words to that effect.

What a good idea. I feel sure it will work . . . and perhaps burglars could be encouraged to give presents instead of raiding homes. Tiz the season to be jolly, tra la la la la, tra la, la, la . . .

The lunch at The Horse and Farrier was excellent. There were a couple of pints as a gentle appetiser and then I went for tomato soup followed by roast turkey dinner and all the trimmings (accompanied by a glass of Merlot) and, of course, Christmas pudding in brandy sauce. Then it was off to a windblown and rain-lashed Keswick for an afternoon of liver-blasting intensity around the pubs of the town. We called in at Rumours, Siennas (what ever happened to good old names like The Twa Dogs?) The Queen’s Hotel, Bar 26 (highly recommended) The Square Orange, The George Hotel, and then we looked through the windows of several other desolate hostelries before returning to Siennas and starting all over again. Not. The nine hours or so that elapsed from The Horse and Farrier to our last port of call (Siennas) contained a hell of a lot of half-remembered conversations, interesting reunions with folks I hadn’t seen for ages and hopeless attempts to contain the explosive results of mixing Brussel sprouts with Jennings Beer.

In the final analysis, Gary and I (where everyone else had gone is a mystery) decided we were famished (a good word that, very descriptive) and headed off down town to Lakeland Spice Cuisine (highly recommended). I had the chicken tikka Madras with vegetable rice while Gary, on my recommendation, opted for the chicken tikka masala. Blood red and very, very tasty.

I might have cheated a little by drinking gin and tonic instead of pints of bitter for much of the afternoon and evening, while Gary had stuck doggedly to his beer and was feeling a little the worse for wear. This became apparent in the Indian restaurant when he appeared to temporarily lose the power of speech and was looking at me through eyes that were clearly scanning two other solar systems, both at opposite ends of his vision. But what really gave the game away was his attempt to eat a poppadom . . . and somehow totally missing his mouth. Now that takes doing . . .

Gary eventually wove his way along Blencathra Street to the taxi office and I made my way to Windebrowe Avenue and yam. It had been a good day out, a lot of fun, no trouble at all and I look forward to next year’s BNMCB.

‘Ivver Sen’ sales sensation

On a more serious note, sales of ‘Ivver Sen’ have been fantastic and the book was the best seller in the run up to Christmas at Bookends book shop in Keswick. Next stop the Hollywood movie of the book.

Next up, in fact, is continued research for my forthcoming book, the biography of Joss Naylor and, in between times, an appearance with the Welsh artist Keith Bowen (who illustrated ‘Ivver Sen’ with his amazing pastel drawings) at the Royal Cambrian Academy, Conwy on Friday, January 23.

This, of course, is followed by a similar appearance at the ‘Words by the Water’ literature festival at The Theatre by the Lake, Keswick on Tuesday, March 3 (5pm, Main House at the theatre). Keith Bowen’s exhibition of the illustrations from the book will be hung in the theatre’s galleries from February 27 to April 19.

So there’s plenty to look forward to . . . not least next year’s BNMCB.

Dennis . . . the cover shot

And finally, Keith Bowen’s drawing of Keswick character Dennis Monkhouse  (‘Ivver Sen’ Chapter 3), appears on the front cover of the Royal Cambrian Academy’s magazine Celf 125. Now there’s something no one could ever have anticipated, least of all Dennis!

As ever please don’t hesitate to get in touch re this bloggle or anything else relating to River Greta Writer. It’s always nice to know that someone is out there and that this particular "soul trader" is writing for a readership and not only for himself.

 e-mail: keithr@rivergretawriter.co.uk